Firebugs

SugarPlum and I made firebugs Thursday.  Last year, I dipped pinecones in wax to serve the same purpose.  Firebugs use less wax and take up considerably less space near the woodstove.  I just don't have very many dead candles lying about right now, and space is an issue in this little house on the prairie, so the fires will be kindled with bugs this year.

If you need some firebugs, grab that former peach can from under the sink — the one in which you toss dead birthday candles and remnants of votive candles — and set it in a double boiler over low heat.  Put water not only in the bottom of the double boiler, but also in the top.  Surrounding the can with hot water will speed the melting, and there can never be too much water near melting wax, for wax is highly flammable.  But we'll get back to that in a moment.  Be glad for leftover wickbits in your melting wax, because firebugs thrive on stray wickbits.

Cut pieces of twine or cotton string about 5" long.  Your goal will be to encircle your 1" newspaper cylinder, tie, knot, and have some dangling twine tails.  If you have a plum to help you with this, she or he may be ruthless with those big scissors and warn, "Watch it, Nana!  I don't wanna cut you!" and you'll heartily agree with that sentiment, so be ready to drop the stretched twine at any moment, lest you lose a digit to SugarPlum Scissorhands.

Get some newspapers and lay out a stack of 6 to 8 sheets.  Roll that stack as tightly as you can, so you end up with a firm, skinny newspaper stick.  Have your helper hang onto that stick while you begin tying twine about 1½" from one end and approximately 3" apart down the length of the whole thing.  You can slide your twine ties around a little bit when you get to the other end, so they'll all be equidistant from one-another.  You're going to be cutting your newspaper stick midway between the twine ties, but this isn't microscopic surgery or anything, and you're just going to set fire to the little buggers, so don't be using a ruler.  Just eyeball it.  And you may want 4" or 5" firebugs; adjust accordingly.

Now it's time to slice-up that newspaper stick.  If no one volunteers to go to the man room in the barn to get the jigsaw, you can use your new electric knife you bought in the spring, but it'll burn up the motor, and you'll have to throw it in the wastebasket, so I recommend you send someone to fetch the saw.  [Is it growing ever clearer why CarolineNOT rarely publishes tutorials on her blog?]  Cut that thing into pieces, and I can't tell you how many pieces there will be, because that eyeballing thing never works out the same twice.

Assuming your wax is melted, it's time to dip the bugs.  Drag a chair to the range for your plum to stand in, and when she or he asks why there's water in the pan, explain that it helps melt the wax, and wax is highly flammable; then explain what highly flammable means.  Go over this a couple of times, because flammable is a 3-syllable word not in everyday use by 4-year-olds.  Be thorough.  Don't be so thorough that when you tell your plum to pick up a bug by its twine and lower it into the can of wax, she'll get a stricken look on her face and say, "I don't want to.  You can do it."  If that happens, though, don't lose heart.  Drop one bug into the wax and let it sit there for 5 to 7 seconds; remove it with an old pair of tongs and set it on the inverted donut box (mmmm, donuts ♥) to cool.  When your plum sees that you didn't spontaneously combust, she or he will say, "Okay, I'll do it now, Nana."

When all your bugs are dipped and cool enough to touch, take some photos of your plum dangling one of the creepy little things, so you can post them on your blog.

How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!  ~Psalms 139:17

Best Dorky Pizza Film

Our (headless) son-in-law and his wife developed and perfected a pizza and were asked by a few people to share their recipe.  The wife, Little Loo, thought since there were so many little bits and tidbits to explain via text, it might be easier — even fun — to film the process and load it to YouTube...which they did.

Last evening she was putting up quite the whine over the two of them having embarrassed themselves, for what they expected was a lot of hoots and hollers over how dorky, ridiculous, cheesy, and (choose any dumb word and insert here) their little pizza-making film was.  Instead, everyone was nice to them about it, offering flowery raves.

So help me out here.  Help my headless son-in-law and his wife regain their dignity by fully expressing how dorky their little pizza-tutorial is.  You'll make them feel a whole lot better.  It's your assignment.  It's your duty.





Okay, Peeps,...let the insults rip!

And the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God, and into the patient waiting for Christ.  ~II Thessalonians 3:5

ArtisticNot KnitterSorta Pattern

I'm no artist. And I can only barely knit. But I studied a wrap-of-sorts which caught my eye at Wal*Mart recently, and its construction was so simple as to make me know I could knit one to be mine.

I intend to make it of this yarn, and I only bought two skeins, which may mean it'll barely be the length of a bed jacket -- or worse, a Pilgrim's collar -- rather than the dreamy, floaty shroud pictured in my mind:


Remembering I'm no artist, here's my rendering of how-to:


Measure from the nape of the neck to the point on the arm one wants the wrap to reach. Cast on enough stitches to create that width. Then knit, knit, knit until your rectangle reaches twice the length you want the wrap to be (or you use half your yarn); cast off = Side One. Repeat = Side Two.

Sew together the two rectangles just shy of halfway, allowing 2" to 4" to be swallowed by draping from the nape of the neck to the front, over the shoulders.

And that's a wrap.



But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also. ~Luke 6:27-29

~*~ Homemaking Tip ~*~

Cleaning Your Glass Top Range
[in 21 steps -- 1 hour and 45 minutes]

1. Combine soda, borax, and grated bar soap as homemade laundry detergent.

2. If you are not assembling your laundry detergent as soon as the soap is grated, hide it deep in a closet, so your adolescent son won't spy it on the countertop, think it's mozzarella cheese, ram a big pinch of it into his mouth, and be pretty bummed.

3. Wash two loads of laundry with the homemade laundry detergent. (Load #2 is washed with said detergent to convince yourself those really were little balls of bar soap stuck all over your clothes in load #1.)

4. Place the homemade laundry detergent on a shelf in the laundry room, while you hope your next brainstorm will incorporate the mixture and be successful.

5. Continue brainstorming for 2 or 3 weeks, until such time as you discover you're selling your house and moving. Stop brainstorming about wasted soap -- you're gonna be busy for a while.

6. [One year later] Read online a recipe for liquid laundry detergent, learning that you can add water to your dry, homemade laundry detergent, boil it for 10 minutes, and it will be liquid laundry detergent. Presto-Chango, soap globs all gone!

7. Fill a large stock pot half full of water; add your homemade laundry detergent.

8. Place stock pot on your glass top range and turn on the heat.

9. Use this cooking time to run around the corner and answer just that one little email you haven't gotten to yet.

10. When you've been subconsciously wondering for about 4 minutes what that lovely, floral scent is wafting through the house, think to yourself, "Oh, I bet my liquid laundry detergent has been cooking for 10 minutes now and is done."

11. Get a large bath towel to soak up the large snowy lake in front of the range, on the hardwood floor; toss wet towel with undissolved soap globules onto the laundry room floor.


12. When you see how little this accomplished, pray that your male-type housemates won't soon come back from the pasture, exclaiming as they trickle in, "WHAT DID YOU DO!?" "WHAT DID SHE DO!?" and "WHAT HAPPENED!?" You'll be heavily perspiring by now and won't be in the mood to answer questions.

13. Continue your ministrations to the floor, until you can approach the cabinetry without sliding through the soap and tracking it back to the sink. This step must also include a broom and dustpan to sweep up the grated soap, which would apparently survive intact a flood of Noahic proportions.


14. When the floor can be traversed safely, sit on it while you begin to wipe the soap globs and crystallized borax and soda from the tops, bottoms, fronts, insides, handles, and hinges of 4 drawers and 2 cabinets. Do not concern yourself if the floor is still wet -- by this time, you couldn't care less what happens to your clothes. Think, "Buffing. I'm buffing."



15. Repeat step #14 eight or nine times, until the surfaces no longer dry to a telltale, chalky white. This becomes harder to perceive, as the factory finish begins disappearing from your cabinetry.

16. Now you can begin working with the slimy, frothy lake covering your glass top range and countertop. Move the canisters to the countertop at the other side of the kitchen, and decide right now that you'll chink the mixture off of them tomorrow, because you might be tempted to throw them in the trash an hour later, if you haven't already given yourself permission to postpone this part.


17. Use the cheap paper towels kept under the sink to begin mopping liquids from your range and countertop. This is not a job for the costlier select-a-size towels, for you'll be selecting GIANT and many.

18. When the liquids are mopped up, you will discover your range top is now covered with a thick, dry, crystallized film. Use a wooden spatula, plastic scraper, razor blade, dish scrubby, and terry dishcloth to scrape, scrub, and wipe the soap from your range top.

19. Repeat step #18 ten or eleven times and follow with the manufacturer's recommended range top polish.



20. Throw yourself on the sofa.



21. When you have recovered, and adolescent male-figure points to the glistening, crystalline glaze on the countertop and asks, "What's this," say, "This is a special night in the kitchen. It's countertop bling."

But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also. Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. ~Luke 6:27-30